


Love is like a fart

by akane171



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Crack Fic, Multi, anti SC - Freeform, anti the fanatic side of the you know which fandom, if you are a sc shipper and you want to read it - i suggest rethink life choices :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 17:18:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13299522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akane171/pseuds/akane171
Summary: "Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit".ME: This fic is very serious. No joking. No sarcasm. No irony. I’m dead serious. Serious like a heart attack. Serious like-MON-EL: Like Serious Black?ME: It’s SIRIUS Black and what the hell are you doing here?! Go back to the fic!MON-EL: :(ME: *cough awkwardly* Well, enjoy.





	Love is like a fart

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, for people who are tired of You Know Which Fandom Fanatics bullshit :)
> 
> Fic written during listening to Killing Strangers by Marilyn Manson (song from John Wick, lol).  
> Also, if you are a SC fan I kindly suggest you to RUN AWAY :)  
> The rest can enjoy.

_Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit._

ME: This fic is very serious. No joking. No sarcasm. No irony. I’m dead serious. Serious like a heart attack. Serious like-

MON-EL: Like Serious Black?

ME: It’s SIRIUS Black and what the hell are you doing here?! Go back to the fic!

MON-EL: :(

ME: *cough awkwardly* Well, enjoy.

*

Lena and Kara, the loverbirds tortured and separated by bad writers, bad boyfriends and bad dead boyfriends were finally sitting in a super fancy, super exclusive apartment that Lena bought for Kara. Every free space was filled with roses. Lena also bought Kara two restaurants, super expensive car, a cottage in mountains and Monaco.

Because this is what you do when you truly and eternally love someone - you overwhelm your lover with not needed stuff. Because this is a sign of magical and pure love.

And well, because you are loaded, don’t give a shit about money and you can make that person feel like she owes you. #HealthyRelationshipGoals!!!

*

MXY: *munching popcorn* I can relate.

ME: What the fuck are you doing here?

MXY: Stalking.

ME: UGH.

*

Kara and Lena were sitting on a couch and sharing a blanket, because there is nothing more romantic than stealing scenes from the other ships, especially when your ship doesn’t have a single, normal, not delusional aka OMG-they-are-breathing-in-one-room!! canonical romantic scene.

_(Sounds of SC fandom sobbing in the distance.)_

So, they were sitting on the couch and the chemistry between them - nitrogen, oxygen, argon and carbon dioxide - was like always sparkling with unresolved sexual tension.

*

MXY: Wait, you just listed the elements of air.

ME: Because there is no other fucking chemistry there, duh?

MXY: Sad truth.

*

Kara looked at Lena lovingly like she was her best friend….

_(Best friend? Wait a minute!)_

*

ME: Kara, put your crap together and look at Lena like she’s the love of your life.

KARA: But I don’t know how!

ME: Just look at her like you look at Mon-El all the time, ok?

*

Kara lovingly looked at Lena, like Lena was Mon-El, because there was no other fucking way to make this shit genuine and relatable.

“Lena,” Kara asked sweetly.

“Yes, Starling?” Lena answered.

*

JACK: Hey! Stop stealing my fucking lines!!!

ME: Shut up, who cares? You are dead.

JACK: :’(((((((

MXY: YOLO, dude.

*

“Lena... why are you chewing your lip?”

“Because, I’m hungry, honey,” Lena said suggestively.

“I’m starving too, let’s order some food.”

“Silly, I’m hungry for your pussy.”

Kara stared awkwardly at Lena. Lena stared awkwardly at Kara.

“That was weird...” Kara said finally.

“Yeah, I know. But I found it in sc fics.”

“There are fics about us?!”

“Yes, in most of them we want to fuck each other and act super OOC, Mon-El is portrayed like the biggest OOC piece of shit that has nothing in common with canon and the shippers can’t tag properly their abusive crap even if their lives depend on it.”

“That’s why I don’t check tumblr these days.”

Lena gasped, suggestively because she did everything suggestively, and took out her phone “But you have to check this amazing cats video I -” and then she started crying. Suggestively.

“Why are you crying?”

“I just found posts made by SC shippers claiming Katie McGrath can’t play a straight character and have no chemistry with men actors! Kara, does it mean they think she is a shitty actress?”

Kara sweated (suggestively), “Well...”

*

MXY: *munching popcorn* Basically, they seriously claim she is a shitty actress.

LENA: *stares into the camera* That’s why Katie McGrath doesn’t have official accounts on social media.

ME: Because of the haters?

LENA: BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING STANS!!!

*

“Well, let’s just talk, ok? We are best friends after all, right?”

Suddenly Kara started crying too (suggestively, of course).

“Why, are you crying?”

“I don’t know, I just got a very canonical and weird feeling about the best friend thing. It’s so amazing that we have nothing in common and I can’t even tell you I am a fucking alien and that I lie to you all the time because, tadah!, I’m a freaking Supergirl! For sure it’s not going to kick my ass one day and fuck up our relationship, right? And it’s not like you are going to die in 50 years, leaving me alone and heartbroken, because I’m going to live forever, lol. We are super duper relationship goals, right?”

Lena blinked dumbly (and very suggestively) “Wait, you are an alien and Supergirl?”

Kara sweated in a super sexual way, “Ahahahaha! I’m joking!”

“Ahahaha!” Lena joined her, very sexually and suggestively, “So, funny! Supergirl? OMG, you look totally different, you wear glasses! I’m a freaking genius after all, I would realize my BEST friend is Supergirl, lol”.

They both laughed (very suggestively) for some time and finally Kara said:

“So, we should talk more, we are best friends and have so many interesting topics to discuss!”

...

_Silence._

_Still silence._

_Super silence._

*

ME: Ugh, it’s awkward.

MXY: Yep. Make them talk about hot guys.

ME: They can’t talk about hot guys.

MXY: But it’s canon.

ME: It’s a SC fic, so we ignore the canon.

MXY: Make it sexual then.

ME: *sighs*

*

_Suggestive sexual silence and tension like in every scene with Kara and Lena (at least in SC shippers’ eyes)._

*

MXY: See? Everything is fixed now.

ME: *whispers to Jack’s Ghost* Is it?

JACK’S GHOST: *whispers back* Don’t ask me, I’m fucking dead.

ME: Let’s just move on...

*

“Did you know that shipping SC is the most progressive thing you can imagine?” Lena asked  with a low, suggestive voice.

“Shipping two white, privileged women who like dicks is called progressive these days?” Kara blinked her eyes in a very sexual fashion.

“Yes, I have a tumblr post that proves it,” Lena smiles. “And did you know that fucking writers are queerbaiting our fans?”

Kara gasped (suggestively), “No way! But didn’t they say we are only friends and Kara is not gay?”

Lena blinked, not very suggestively but you know, SC shippers are going to interpret it like that no matter what, “Well, they did, but my actress bites her lip, you know, in a sexuall way.”

“So, your actress… queerbaits SC fans, even if it’s not in the script?”

Lena blinked. Kara blinked back.

*

LENA: Does my actress queerbaits SC fans?

ME:...

MXY:...

JACK’S GHOSTS:...

ME: We don’t talk about it.

LENA: *CRIES*

*

Kara looked at Lena’s trembling lips and said:

“Maybe we should just move to the part everyone lusts for and kiss passionately.”

So they did and…

*

_Hospital, an hour later_

Sniffing Kara was standing near Lena’s bed.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it!” she sobbed.

“Don’t worry,” said Lena, covered by the bandages like a mummy “I’m fine. You just broke my nose, both hands, ten ribs and spine. I’m sure I’m not going to be paralyzed forever.”

Kara sniffed, ”So, do you want to go for another date?”

Lena opened her mouth and -

*

_Lena’s apartment_

Lena woke up screaming.

“And then she asked me out again and I screamed and I woke up,” Lena sobbed into Jack’s chest few minutes later, after telling him the whole nightmare.

“It’s ok, it was just a dream,” Jack kissed her hair and hugged her tightly.

Suddenly, James switched on the bed lamp.

“Guys, I love you both, but can we go back to sleep? I need to fucking get up in the morning.”

*

_Kara’s apartment_

Kara woke up laughing like an idiot.

“Rao, I just had the funniest dream you can imagine.”

“Can we talk about it in the morning?” Mon-El mumbled tiredly into her neck.

“But I want to hear it now!” Brainiac5 popped out from under the blanket and hugged Mon from behind.

“Can you stop rubbing my ass?” Mon-El growled.

“I thought you like it,” Brainiac said tearily.

“Not in the 5 in the morning, raodamnit!”

“What the hell Brainy is doing in our bed?” Imra asked suddenly.

“The more the merrier!” Mon and Brainiac said together.

Suddenly, a lightning stroke outside, the door to their bedroom opened and Lightning Lad walked in:

“Someone said something about the more the merrier?! ”

Imra and Kara looked at each other.

“We need a bigger bed,” they said in unison.

THE END

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sorry.
> 
> P.S. 
> 
> Me:Moniac5 for the win!  
> Mon-El: Winn is here too? *checks under the bed*  
> Me: WIN not WINN! Mon, stop-  
> Mon-El: *takes out Winn from under the bed*  
> Me:...  
> Me:They seriously need a bigger bed…
> 
> THE END END


End file.
